One Friday In April: (A Memoir by Donald Antrim)
With this memoir, author Donald Antrim hopes to destigmatize mental illness, and to “strip away the hushed-whispers mystery sounding suicide.”
It is Antrim’s story of his journey to the brink of death and his fight to live, which he hopes will inspire other people learn to live.
““If we could demystify (suicide) some, and not regard it as an enigma, we might do better with treatment and our attitude toward people who are in serious depression.””
Antrim had a mental illness that led him to “One Friday in April” back in 2006, when he found himself on his roof, very close to dying by suicide. He traces the beginning of his illness back to his childhood – he was raised by alcoholic parents in an unstable household. This led to him to experience many failed relationships throughout his life -- and that led to isolation. And depression.
It’s not that he did not have a successful life – in 1999, Antrim was named by The New Yorker as one of the 20 best writers under the age of 40. At this time, he was 47 and about to publish his latest book, a memoir about his mother and her “alcoholic life.” A fight with his girlfriend at that time sent him fleeing to the roof with suicidal thoughts. In his words, “I ran away to die to end her burden.”
He struggled for years, describing his illness as a disease of the body as well as the brain. “I see it as a long illness with origins in trauma and isolation, in deprivation of touch, in violence and neglect,” says Antrim. His crisis in the spring of 2006 also came with physical symptoms; a pounding heart, stomach pain, a clenching in his neck that changed his voice. His friends could hear the pain in his voice and that triggered them to come to his apartment on that Friday in April and get him the help he needed.
Though he took anti-depressant medication for years, Antrim had always resisted hospitals, fearing that doctors would drug and shock him. After his crisis, he allowed his friends to take him to an emergency room; he was then admitted to the NY State Psychiatric Institute, where he was diagnosed with psychosis. Doctors prescribed electro-convulsive therapy (ECT). Although was afraid of the impact ECT would have on him, a phone call from renowned author David Foster Wallace, who had heard about his crisis from a mutual friend, convinced him to try it. After four months in the hospital and five weeks of ECT, which Antrim says served as a “reset button” for him, he went home and experienced, for the first time, feelings of calm and happiness. He credits Wallace with saving his life (though Wallace himself did not survive -- he died by suicide in 2008 at age 46).
Though he has had relapses, Antrim considers himself to be “in remission” and is currently in a stable relationship with his wife of 4 years, Marija Ilic, and lives in Brooklyn NY.
“One of the confusions about suicide is that the person wants to die … but actually, we can spend months in that shape, trying to live,” says Antrim.
How To Get Help: If you or someone you know needs mental health help, text “STRENGTH” to Crisis Text Line at 741741 to be connected to a certified counselor or use the online chat