The After Journey: A Survivor’s Guide After the Death of a Loved One By Suicide
September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month – all month we will be featuring information about the state’s suicide prevention efforts. The below blog provides strategies for coping with the grief that comes when a loved one dies by suicide … please share it as a resource
The After Journey: A Survivor’s Guide After the Death of a Loved One By Suicide is a candid and heartfelt guide, written from experience by two individuals who know the heartache of losing someone to suicide all too well. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about this book, since I have been indirectly affected by suicide in my own life–two members of my high school class died by suicide and left the world far too soon. These were tragedies that I didn't process until later in life, when I was able to better understand the scope of what happened. After reading this book, I see both perspectives– that of the “victim” and that of those left behind …and, I realize that I still have a lot to learn.
The book begins with a startlingstatistic: Each year, more than 40,000 Americans die by suicide, and over five million Americans are impacted by those suicides. Jerry and Harry Bruell lost their 14-year-old daughter, Taya, to suicide. The Bruells share their path of grieving in this 9-part guide: Why, Guilt, Grief, Trauma, Triggers, Before, Stigma and Shame, Self-Care, and Next. Here are my takeaways on each of the nine sections:
Chapter One - Why
Those who are left behind after the loss of a loved one by suicide oftenpursue an answer to the question of why their loved one made this decision. They may try to find reasoning through physical means, such as a journal or letter left behind, or via spiritual means–(attending church, reading books, therapy, etc). At the end of the day, the search for answers is personal to the individual who is trying to cope. It is important to accept that you may never truly know “why,” and that is okay.
Chapter Two - Guilt
Guilt is an extremely complex emotion that can come out weeks, months or years after you have processed a sudden and tragic loss. You may blame yourself or regret not having done more to prevent the suicide. It is important to remember that no one’s actions directly caused a loved one to make this choice. It is possible that our past actions may have caused pain, but they are not the ultimate cause. The quote that really stuck with me from this chapter was “If love was enough, your loved one would still be here.” Accept that grief, doubt, and guilt are all reasonable and justifiable parts of the healing process.
Chapter Three - Grief
Suicide grief is complicated, and it can go hand-in-hand with many other emotions – for example, shame and rejection. It is important not to make unhealthy choices to dull the pain of grieving (such as alcohol or drug abuse and overworking). Instead, allow yourself to feel grief, and find solace in your community of family and friends. It is equally important to note that you can accept the tragedy without being okay with it. There is a good possibility you may never be okay with it.
Chapter Four- Trauma
Trauma can often come from how you were informed of a loved one’s suicide. Even if you were not present at the time, hearing about the loss can have a lasting impact. In fact, those who were not there when the suicide took place often have a more challenging time accepting the loss. It is not uncommon to experience symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and may avoid places that remind you of where you were when you learned about the suicide. Just remember: you are not going crazy. These are completely valid experiences and symptoms to have.
Know that the way you handle trauma can be very different from the way family members and friends handle it. The timeline may vary as well. While one person may immediately experience trauma symptoms and need to find solutions early in the grieving process, another person may not feel the impact for months, or even years, after the loss. The timing of the trauma and associated symptoms are not a reflection of the level of hurt or grief present.
Chapter Five - Triggers
Triggers can coincide with trauma associated with suicide, but not all triggers are connected with the traumatic event. Special occasions like a birthday or a favorite holiday of your loved one may spark sadness and deep despair. If a person mentions something that triggers you, remember that it is most likely unintentional and they do not mean harm. It is best to communicate that you are sad or uncomfortable after the fact so the person who unknowingly triggered you does not do it in the future. In short – you can manage l your triggers; your triggers don’t have to control you.
Chapter Six - Before
Acknowledgingthe issues and incidents that came before the suicide is just as vital to the healing process as acknowledging your feelings post-suicide. You may have experienced some really hard times with the individual that had an impact on you mentally. Addressing this by talking about it with a friend or a therapist, or by journaling about your feelings, is important… Ultimately, what came “before” can cause just as much trauma as what comes “after.”
Chapter Seven - Stigma and Shame
Suicide has been widely stigmatized in the media and in society as a whole.,Research shows that the stigma around suicide increases the prevalence of suicide. Those who grapple with this very personal experience are often blamed, shamed, and judged by peers and outsiders. They are questioned on why they didn’t do more, and how they could have possibly missed the signs. These feelings hinder the grieving process, and can cause great damage to those who are suffering. Whatever the stigma, be it religious or societal, it is important to recognize that bestowing this upon those who are suffering does more harm than good. Love and support are the way to go.
Chapter Eight - Self Care
We deploy acts of self-care when we are feeling burnt out with work or experiencing a crisis. We should do the same when coping with the loss of a loved one… especially if you are having thoughts of self harm. Self-care in the wake of a suicide can look different for everyone. One person may need to be admitted into a treatment center for greater care, while someone else may take a trip for some much needed rest and decompression. Self-care does not have tot be material in nature, either. It may mean not attending certain events, leaving a room when needed, or advocating for oneself. Whatever the form of self-care is, as long as it’s healthy, it is encouraged.
Chapter Nine - Next
What comes next after suicide is entirely dependent on the person and their lifestyle. Relationships may change, and so might priorities and goals. Something as life-altering as a suicide can leave one re-thinkingthe meaning of life, and can shine a spotlight on what truly matters. Some people might become more withdrawn, and less likely to form new bonds or take up new hobbies. It can be invigorating to find new meaning and purpose again, but it can also trigger feelings of sadness that our loved one can’t be here to experience that new thing with us. Whatever your “next” is, be sure it is centered in personal growth and well-being.
Chapter Ten - How To Support A Survivor
Supporting a survivor is not easy, but it is so important for your relationship with that person. Sometimes, it can be doing something as simple as lending an ear or as involved as offering them a place to stay and taking care of them.Although you cannot fix the person or the situation, or tell them how to grieve, you can be supportive. Gauging what the survivor needs and then acting accordingly is the recommended move.
I recommend The After Journey – it is a comprehensive toolkit, written with great care and sensitivity towards those who may have been affected by a suicide. One can’t help but to walk away from this book without a feeling of sadness – but also you will walk away with an increased desire to educate yourself and others on surviving suicide loss.