From impossible to possible: The journey of a family living with mental illness

Sonja and Mitch Wasden seemed to have it all: a long, loving marriage, three healthy and talented children, a supportive faith community, and financial security from Mitch’s work as a hospital CEO.

Yet they had a secret that trapped them in a cycle of pain for years. Sonja lived with a devastating illness, eventually diagnosed as bipolar disorder, that in her case meant a nonstop roller coaster ride of crippling anxieties, compulsive behaviors, explosive anger, and long bouts of depression.

Their stories might have remained hidden and corrosive, but after Sonja’s manic behaviors, self-harm and threats of suicide led her to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital against her will in her 30s, and as the hard work of entering treatment and recovery began, the family’s activism took shape. 

Eldest child Rachel Siddoway has co-written two searingly honest books: An Impossible Life: The Inspiring Journey of a Woman's Struggle from Within, with her mother, describes the years of illness from Sonya’s perspective and, now, An Impossible Wife: Why He Stayed: A True Story of Love, Marriage, and Mental Illness which traces the couple’s relationship and Mitch’s role as a caregiver. (Two more books are planned in the series. The third focuses on ways that a child can be affected by a parent’s mental illness, and the fourth relates Sonja’s experiences as she builds a healthier and more fulfilling life.)

Rachel and both of her parents have become articulate advocates for families living with mental illness, telling their personal stories and providing facts about evidence-based treatment modalities that helped Sonja, including medication and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Perhaps most effective has been their insistence that there is hope, that people can and do get better with help – and become able to manage their illness in order to live safer, more reflective and rewarding lives. The family has brought their message to schools, libraries, prisons, community mental health agencies, and appeared on TV, radio, and in online forums.

The Seacoast Mental Health Center (one of the New Hampshire’s 10 such agencies offering resources, treatment, and education about mental health issues)  recently hosted Mitch and Rachel on a webinar (now posted on the agency’s YouTube channel, in which they talked about what led them to write their books.

Rachel described how her mother’s long-undiagnosed condition and her oft-cited wish to end her life meant that the entire family lived in fear of losing her. Another kind of terror was always present too – that relatives, neighbors, fellow church members, classmates -- and even doctors -- would judge them harshly if they knew about Sonja’s illness. 

Mitch’s role as a hospital CEO did not mitigate those worries. In fact, Siddoway and her parents often emphasize this point by telling of a particularly chilling moment -- when a psychiatrist in Mitch’s hospital advised him not to bring Sonja back to their own facility for treatment. “Take her where no one knows you guys,’ “ the doctor advised. 

“No one is free of this stigma,” says Rachel. As she and her parents point out in their books and talks, despite growing awareness of mental health challenges, lack of awareness by others (including medical professionals) can still keep ill people and their families from seeking treatment and crucial support. They are working to change that pattern.

During the webinar both Mitch and his daughter stressed the importance of understanding that mental illness is “not a personality flaw,” nor is it less of a medical issue than, say, a disability requiring a wheelchair. Bipolar disorder is harder to understand – in Sonja’s case most visibly taking the form of what Mitch calls harsh conversational behaviors – rage, yelling, denial. This also played out in wild spending sprees, arcs of dramatic mania, and other potentially dangerous behaviors. 

Mitch says that this latest book is borne out of his drive to bring attention to the “compassion fatigue” experienced by those who support a person with mental illness. Within a year of their marriage, Mitch became Sonja’s full-time support system. Living so closely with someone who erupts in anger without warning means “you’re closest to the explosions...you get fragged, you get friendly fire,” constantly, which leads to chronic, debilitating stress. Therapy, the practice of mindfulness, and other supports helped him come to accept that when someone has a mental health condition, the “whole family is sick” and all members need help. When the family – and their communities -- come to understand this dynamic, he says, they are finally free to feel compassion and patience; They can separate the person from the symptoms of her illness. 

For all the family’s stories of harrowing days and nights, fears and struggles, most powerful are the simple reflections from Sonja herself. She often shares an insight like the one she writes at the end of their first book: 

“I no longer believe I’m living an impossible life. Now instead of asking therapists if they know of anyone who has overcome suicidal thoughts or asking doctors if the mentally ill can live a life worth living, I can ask myself. And the answer is yes. I do know someone. Me.”